A Raccoon’s Guide to Avoiding Humans

We’re living in a human world, where they have wildlife and critter control specialists, and there’s nothing we can do about that. We eat their scraps, and we live on their streets. But that doesn’t mean we have to sit idly by and let them walk all over us.

So what can you do?

When you get into their garbage cans, don’t just eat and move on, spread all that shmutz around their front lawn! Bite their pets, and infect them with rabies. Whatever it is, make their lives miserable. For too long we raccoons have been oppressed, and now, it’s time we started evening the playing field a little.

Here are some strategies we can utilize to let the humans know we mean business:

Use your magnificently nimble hands!

The humans are supposed to be the smartest mammals in the world, but they may not be all they’re hyped up to be.

To deter raccoons from garbage cans, they continue to pull silly bungee cords over the lids of their garbage cans to seal it shut at night. While some of our raccoon kin may have a defeatist attitude and move on, you should know that this is but a minor obstacle. We were given nimble hands for this very reason. When you come across a sealed garbage can again, try pulling at it with all your five fingers and you’ll be surprised how easy it is to open.

Not only that, but sometimes humans will leave their windows open to their homes! It’s quite confusing, because they are so hell-bent on deterring raccoons from garbage cans, but they will invite us into their homes to eat their non-scraps! If you see that, you’ve hit the jackpot. Make yourselves comfortable, and help yourself to their cupboards and fridge.

Bon appetit!

Humans scare surprisingly easy.

Have you ever noticed that most animals can only make 1 or 2 sounds? Those stupid dogs are either barking or growling all day. Cats are either meowing or purring. How inferior.

Next time you’re standing face to face with humans, show them your teeth and use your full range of vocalizations. Don’t ask why this works, it just does. It might not scare the wildlife control people but it definitely frightens ordinary humans.

Give them a hiss, purr, growl, or scream. We can make over 51 different sounds, so experiment with different noises until the human gets scared and leaves you alone to ravage their garbage cans. You may feel stupid making all those strange noises, but the result is priceless!

We’re smarter than cats and dogs, so conquer the neighbourhood.

A long time ago, there was a human called H.B. Davis who wanted to see how smart we raccoons really were. Basically, he took a bunch of raccoons and rewarded them for every one of 13 different locks that they were able to open. Each lock was arranged differently. In less than 10 tries, our ancestors were able to open 11 of the 13 locks. The humans were also surprised, for some reason, that we remembered the solutions for up to 3 years.

While we may not really understand what the big deal is about opening these locks, other animals couldn’t do it. And if they did figure it out, they would have soon forgotten how they did it.

So remember, when a furry feline or canine is trying to intimidate you out of the neighbourhood, remember that they are on your turf, and not the other way around. Be cunning and territorial, and let them know who’s boss!

Watch out for cars!

All the brains in the world can’t prepare you for this. Human’s have developed a transportation device, called a car. It is essentially a large metal can that can travel faster than most animals. Yeah, even some of those African ones. And when we say that it’s large, we mean LARGE.

They attack without provocation, or warning, and they kill more raccoons every year than any other predator. About 3500 poor souls are lost to these gigantic machines every year in Toronto alone.

So try to always stay vigilant, as very little is known about these cars. All we know is that they are extremely dangerous, and highly unpredictable.

Don’t be taken as a pet. Maintain your raccoon pride.

Believe it or not, some raccoons have been domesticated. I mean full on, eating out of a bowl, uninterested in glorious garbage, pets. While they live for up to 20 years, as opposed to the our typical 3 years, their lives are dismal, obeying orders, being held, and worse of all, living indoors.

The humans give them rabies, medicine essentially stripping them of their last shred of raccoon dignity. Unfortunately, after captivity, they are beyond saving. All we can do is mourn their loss, and pray that the same dreadful fate should never happen to anyone in your respective gaze (family).

Stay away from Terminix!

If you ignore every piece of advice besides for this, I would consider my work here a success. Avoid Terminix at all costs! The humans have these people designated for wildlife and critter control, whose job is to get rid of raccoons and other critters. They often remove entire gazes without remorse, and wherever Terminix has been, there is no coming back.

But Terminix Wildlife Control doesn’t only get rid of raccoons. They are also experts at removing pigeons, skunks, and squirrels, exploiting our weaknesses to get rid of us forever. And while we are by no means sympathizers of these intrusive animals, they still deserve to at least slightly terrorize the humans.

So please, don’t call Terminix at 905-738-6676…it may just be the last thing you ever do in your raccoon life.