For every iconic movie like Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs or Spielberg’s Schindler’s List, there are absolute stinkers like Pootie Tang, or every Adam Sandler movie (post-Happy Gilmore).
Not that we could do any better; a Terminix film would be of similar quality to the Sharknado series. And that’s bad. So, we’ll stick to what we know best – quality pest management services for your commercial and residential properties.
But what if we got to consult on some Hollywood classics – particularly those with pests or insects ingrained to the plot?
Well, we’d probably ruin them. Here are four popular films that would be wildly different (see: worse) if the Terminix extermination team had a hand in production.
If we had anything to do with the Spiderman movies, ordinary Peter Parker would still be ordinary Peter Parker.
The genetics lab, where Parker was bitten by a super spider, should’ve had more precautionary deterrents in case any spiders got loose in our opinion. Easy pest control techniques could’ve kept those spiders off Petey, including spider traps or essential oils that’re like kryptonite to the creepy crawlers. The cases harbouring the eight-legged buggers should have been properly sealed, with any entry points plugged diligently.
So if we had any hand in producing the Spiderman films… it would’ve been a one-off, because the bite would never happen, thanks to our superhero-like pest control services. Having said that, we’re glad Parker did get bitten to become Spiderman – we can’t exterminate pests like the Green Goblin as efficiently as Spidey can.
Batman Begins, 2005
Before we explain how we would’ve destroyed altered the Batman redux, we’re curious: what do you think about a superhero that goes by the name, ‘Wellman’?
Because that likely would’ve been Bruce Wayne’s alter ego if our extermination team got to edit that script before it hit theatres.
To us, it’s surprising the wealthy Wayne family couldn’t afford even the most basic pest control services to manage the bat problems on their estate’s grounds. Pest control for wildlife like bats is imperative, especially with young kids like Bruce running around. Bats in particular can be extra villainous; they’re known to spread histoplasmosis and cryptococcosis through their droppings, not something you want your kids exposed to.
Our Terminix crew would’ve done a through assessment of the bat infestation, and eradicated the problem quickly and efficiently through one of our many pest control techniques.
So when Bruce falls down the well, there’d be no bats, and no phobia – only Wellman. That name should send chills down the spines of Gotham’s scum, right?
Guardians of the Galaxy, 2014
Regardless if you’re in outer space, or on planet Earth, raccoons have no business being there.
The sizable rodents are notorious for spreading disease, so unfortunately for Rocket, the Guardian’s official team raccoon, Terminix would’ve exterminated him before Thanos’ efforts. We mean, we wouldn’t want the other Guardians contracting potential rabies after all. Rocket would be easily subdued through a combination of Terminix’s anticoagulant baits in tamper resistant containers, as well as snap traps or glue traps if necessary.
Luckily for the galaxy, we were probably preoccupied battling pests on this planet, allowing the smart-mouthed Rocket to use his pest-like qualities for good rather than evil.
The Birds, 1963
Only Alfred Hitchcock could make birds into some of the most frightening villains in horror history.
Good thing we didn’t co-produce The Birds, or we’d make them look like nothing more than a small flock before they terrorized the people of Bodega Bay.
We’d have worked swiftly, giving a thorough inspection of the town to determine the species, population size, location of problem, and equipment required for the pesky birds. Through a combination of trapping, netting, spike systems, and more, Hitchcock’s birds would be quickly contained by our pest pros.
In the case of Bodega Bay specifically, removing the trees around the farmhouse would’ve left no where for the birds to find refuge or roost. Eliminating those areas are imperative to bird control, as infestations escalate exponentially once nesting debris is laid down as the birds’ base.
A film dedicated to chopping down trees, and setting up nets and traps… anyone else smell an Oscar?
While the Terminix / Magical Pest Control team won’t be working on any blockbuster films in the immediate future, we are always available for a pest extermination cameo.